My beauty has fluctuated over the years, having its highs and its lows. Or rather, my perception of it has. I believe that we all have moments when we don't feel quite as attractive as we know we are capable, but I am talking of that foundation, that core image upon which everything else is built. What we perceive as the norm of our appearance is how we primarily see ourselves.
I never thought of my looks as flawless, but I never doubted my beauty growing up. Even after that unfortunate incident involving my forehead making rather close friends with a screw at the top of a slide, I saw the resulting scar as a gem to the crown rather than tarnish. I remember when my baby teeth fell out and my adult ones started to grow in, proving too large for my small mouth, they resulted in my canines hanging out in my gums rather than coming down completely. I was teased a handful of times, if that, but mostly by soon-to-be close friends and people that didn't much matter. Even the boys in my life confirmed the beauty I held, folded up notes in awkward handwriting speaking of rosewood skin and beautiful smiles. My bout with acne couldn't even shake the confidence I had in my looks. I have never claimed to be the most beautiful, but I knew of the beauty I held and stood firm in that fact.
But recently I've been reminded of the one moment in my life where I have allowed myself to feel less than pretty. Allegedly one too many pounds and a closet full of clothes that no longer fit as they should made me look in the mirror with a question rather than confidence. A few words from the wrong people were the nail in the coffin and I found myself in. Looking back on it, to steal a movie reference, I was The Bride being buried alive, trying not to struggle at the fact that my life seemed suddenly out of my control. Now, I don't mean a literal sense by any means. Obviously I could've done any and everything to shed the offensive pounds. But that was not the point for me at that moment. At that moment, pounds or no pounds, I felt unpretty.
My eye became overly critical. The flaws I cared less about became prominent and plentiful. The proud vixen turned into a poor vagabond, and I really wasn't sure how to get myself out of this situation. I have never been one to even think of struggling with self-esteem issues, and while I realize that my experience is a beach day compared to someone dealing with clinical diagnoses, it was for me a moment of something just short of despair and desperation.
Looking back, I honestly don't know what I could have or would have done different. I'm not sure if anything I said or did in reaction to those events would have made my unpretty stage shorter or have erased the chapter altogether. Because for a person to go from feeling self-satisfied and lovely on an average day, being less than that was like crippling me. At times like this, I can't help but wonder who really has it worse: those who had and lost, or those who never had.
Today, I looked in the mirror and noticed how flat my stomach is getting. And I hate myself for caring. How could I let other people take that away from me. Now, it would be one thing if I had to watch my weight for medical reasons or something that matters in the grand scheme of things. My actions were prompted by sheer vanity to live up to not my standard of beauty, but someone else's. And I'm tired of living with such a useless and unnecessary burden.
It's time for me to reclaim who I am...who I truly am. I know I'm not the only one out there who needs to do so. I pray that this blog reaches the hearts and minds of the people who need it most. I pray that this blog serves as a warning to everyone not to abuse the place you have in a person's heart, speaking death when you are supposed to speak life. And for those of you who are going through an unpretty chapter right now, speak life to yourself everyday. You are beautiful, truly beautiful. You are a masterpiece of God, and even if you have a little tarnish here and there, that does not take away from who you truly are or how precious a gem you are. Remember, beloved, that no one can take anything away from your essence unless you give it up willingly. Your joy, your optimism, your purity, your innocence, your laughter...and most of all, your beauty.
Be blessed and a blessing
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